My son, my love

It's Friday night again, which means, it's time for me to sit alone in my living room, trying to gather and relish some peace and quiet. It is almost funny to think that right now, at this very moment, there are so many people out there who are trying to live to their fullest on this Friday night. Yet I enjoy just being here, doing nothing in particular.

There are so many things on my mind lately, most of them are reminders of how blessed I am, to have two growing, healthy children. Sometimes I almost feel that I simply don't deserve to have such great kids. Why would God choose me, out of the millions of women out there, to be their mother is beyond me. When I sang the chorus "You give and take away, You give and take away, yet my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.." last Sunday, I had to ask myself whether or not I meant it when the words came out of my mouth.

Which, made me remember once again, the day we dedicated Caleb to the Lord.

It seems like forever ago I had Caleb in my arms, in front of the whole church congregation, and gave him up. I still remember thinking this very act did not guarantee him a place in heaven. By the same token, on that day, I have made the decision that Caleb did not belong to me anymore. At that very magical moment, God took him over. He promised to take care of him, and never leave him, yet he required us to trust Him with Caleb. Completely.

It was a very sacred, and very difficult decision. But his Dad and I were at peace. We knew we made the right decision.

After almost three years from that day, it is still very difficult for me to accept that he can be taken away from us at any moment. When that moment comes, I will have to remember that no matter what, God is sovereign. This past week I have been following this blog and learned that little baby Stellan is in the hospital again for his preexisted heart condition. It was when I read the frantic words from his mother that I tried to put myself in her position. Will I hold on to Jesus like this mother does, no matter what?

While I prayed for little Stellan, I also remembered the subtle yet remarkable change that took place in our household. Caleb has learned to speak much more than a few moths ago just recently. Although he still has a difficult time including his prepositions and verbs, most of the time he speaks regularly, even with strangers. This was such a milestone for me, because for the longest time, Mommy was the only person who understood what in the world he was saying. Because he started to communicate more, he also has started to express his feelings more. He now comes up to me for no particular reason and just wraps his small arms around my thighs from time to time. Insignificant gestures such as this melts me like pouring hot water on ice--everything dissolves in an instant. No more anger, no more disciplines, I will reach for the moon for him if he asks.

My son, my love. While many, many faithful readers like me pray for baby Stellan and his Mommy, I am sure I am not the only mother who feels this way about her child--loving him or her unconditionally, no matter what. I am sure, as you read this post, if you are a mother (or a father), you will nod in agreement. Go and give your baby some extra hugs. You can never give too many hugs.